cold
by parakeetwuvs
Summary: *WARNING* MATURE PHSYCOLOGICAL SUBJECT MATTER MAY TRIGGER.


AN:I was listening to my ipod and writing animal magnetism and I wanted to write about it, so I started this fic. Its something different from what ive written before, rather somber. Don't worry, it doesn't mean im going to stop with animal magnetism.

AN2: this subject is a little touchy. If you have experience you'd like to share you may, it will be apprieciated. But please realize, if you haven't experienced it, you don't understand. Even if you have, you still might not understand, because it doesn't make sense. Im not trying to offend, or insult. But please don't make stupid remarks about how people with problems like this are idiots, because that is one of the few things I can not stand, and I will take action. Please understand that I am not doing this to spark negative feelings. With that said, please read on. Reviews will be apprieciated.

Discliamer: may cause trigger. Read at your own risk. Rated M for a reason people. If you have trouble with this I hope it helps you to connect. if this story sparks something special in you, don't hesitate to contact me. I don't own sanctuary or its characters, and I don't own plumb or her song.

I'm not a stranger, no I am yours

With crippled anger

And Tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame etched with misery

When our eyes meet, I know you see

I do not wanna be afraid

I do not wanna die inside just to breathe in

I'm tired of feeling so numb

Relief exists I find it when

I am cut

I may seem crazy or painfully shy

And these scars wouldn't be so hidden

if you would just look me in the eye

I feel alone here and cold here

Oh I don't wanna die

But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything

Kills inside

I do not wanna be afraid

I do not wanna die inside just to breathe in

Im tired of feeling so numb

Relief exists I find it when

I am cut

I am not alone

I am not alone…

Im not a stranger, No I am yours

Of crippled anger

Tears that still drip sore

But I do not wanna be afraid

I do not wanna die inside just to breathe in

Im tired of feeling so numb

Relief exists

I found it when I was cut

…._I don't want this anymore. Make it stop… just go away. Leave me alone. I know there's no one there. I know im not talking to anyone.i know im crazy. Go away.i know im the only person in the room. In the house. I'm alone. Go away. God…make it stop….make it go away…go away! Go…leave me alone…get out… Helen…I need you…where are you? GO AWAY! God… youre not a person. Im crazy aren't I? I know theres no one here. Stop watching me! I don't see anyone…why do I feel so tight? And loose….i feel like im a rubber band….my bodyfeels like its being stretched and loosened. god…its so cold…_

He gazed up from the cold linoleum floor of his bathroom. Red rimmed eyes, tears, slipping down his face. It was so cold; He was completely numb. _Why am I naked?_ He remembered taking his clothing off. He had felt confined, tangled, trapped. _I'm cold...what's happening to me? Am I dying? _The thought brought an unwilled smile to his face as stiff fingers reached up and found the sink. He pulled himself up with much difficulty. _…my mouth is so…numb… _he ran his tongue over his frigid lips and sank down onto the seat of the toilet limply.

…_go…away…_ his eyes blurred and glazed over and stopped caring. They saw the green rug under his bare, blue feet, the pink tile beneath the rug. They stopped seeing and looking and moving. _What's….happening?_

Nikola ran one long finger over his bare stomach but his hand felt nothing. He could feel the cold of his hand against his abdomen, but not the touch itself. _..so cold…why?_ Why what? He didn't know. He moved his heavy head to look at the shower._ …warmth?_

He dragged his nonresponsive body to the tub and drew the curtain aside with great difficulty. It was hard to touch and move things he couldn't feel. _Heat…_ he turned the water on listlessly and swayed after replacing the curtain. He didn't bother to catch himself.

He lay how he fell for hours. _C-cold…warmth…help…help me…Helen…_he pulled himself to his knees sluggishly, grabbing ahold of the shower curtain to support his body. He pulled it aside and draped his body over the side of the tub. The water was burning hot. Not hours then. But the thought didn't cross his mind as he struggled to pull his body closer to the scalding water. It didn't even feel like heat. It just hurt. But it didn't bother him. _…too hot…but…cold…go away…please…_

his skin burned and melted away from his bone as he lay under the liquid fire. But he was so _cold._ His cheek lay flat against the plastic bottom of his shower; he didn't bother to turn it out of the water to breathe. _Why am I so cold…?_ A sob wracked his confused and tortured body. _Why…am i…crying? Why…am I breathing? Why am I so…cold…what the hell does it matter anyway? _

Questions that couldn't be answered sluggishly crawled through his head like mutant centipedes. _Why did I call…for..help? I should have…stayed…there…I wouldn't be… feeling this…_the hot water coursed over his freezing body. It warmed his skin and burnt it. But it didn't make the numb coldness go away. He couldn't move, and he didn't want to.

…_.i hate you…_ he knew there was no one there. He knew he wasn't talking to anyone. He wasn't hallucinating. _…make it…stop…_he rolled over onto his back to look up at the ceiling; cold concrete roved by colder eyes.


End file.
